Please, let me fuck your mom
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
