My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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