I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
