Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
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I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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