Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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