There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
