Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
