yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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