I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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