why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
