____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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