we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
