do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
