...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
