Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i think i just lost a toe
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
