Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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