He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
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