dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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