I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
