My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
