Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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