A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
