Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
