Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
