So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
