she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
