her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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