i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
