so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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