I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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