Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
