put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
