DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
