You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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