His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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