So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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