Well douche your snatch and let's go!
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
