I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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