Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
