Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
