I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Actions speak louder than pants.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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