how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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