just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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