why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
