There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
