I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
