Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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