that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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