i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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