A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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