Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
