So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
