Your face is a jimmy john
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this will be a night to untag.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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