I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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