You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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