i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
