You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
