worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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