dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
