Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
