the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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